under Written on September 14, 2010

I started cutting after my senior year of high school. I was tired of feeling alone. I didn’t let anyone in. I put on a mask of happiness, love, Christianity, and joy. You could have asked anyone at my church, my friends from school and even my parents and they would have told you that I was the “perfect Christian girl.” I mean I didn’t smoke, drink, or do drugs. I went on missions trips, went to youth group, and went to church camp every summer.

Deep inside I knew I was missing something; I just couldn’t put my finger on it.

I was yearning for love, but I was looking in the wrong places. I looked to the people of this world to find my joy and happiness and acceptance, and when I didn’t find it…

I struggled with EDNOS which is an eating disorder that isn’t classified as anorexia or bulimia, though it contains parts of both. I starved and if I ate, it didn’t stay down for long. I considered myself ugly and fat and unlovable. I had friends, but none that were really close that I really trusted. Eventually I just started blaming myself for anything and everything. That would be when I started to cut. If I cut a word into myself, it was ugly. I hated my appearance.

It’s really hard to explain exactly why I cut because honestly I don’t have to words to say how I was feeling. I cut really deep a couple times and realized I should probably stop, so for a while I did. Then I relapsed.

I had a guy friend that I shared a lot with. He helped me feel needed, but he took advantage of the situation and raped me. I felt completely hopeless and alone. I was so angry at myself for being there and not stopping him.

I had a friend that called me the night I relapsed with cutting just to make sure I was alright. I hadn’t told him anything had happened. The Holy Spirit used him to lead me to the Lord.

My Father who loves me unconditionally! He has helped me so so so much to see just how blessed I am and that I am free!

I still feel the need to cut at times, and to be honest, I have relapsed since then. What I really need is to fully embrace His forgiveness; I just haven’t yet. But I know that God’s got me. He will protect me and he cares about me! I’m His child and He will never leave me!