under Secret Stories, Written on August 2, 2010

On Sunday night I was trying to fall asleep and couldn’t. Now, I grew up in a church where God speaks…but mostly, if not only, through the Bible and the preaching of His Word. So I was very skeptical about what happened next.

While I was lying there a question came into my mind as clearly as if someone had spoken it to me:

Are you living up to your name?

At first I was confused. The only meaning I’ve ever found for my name is aborigines and it means “boomerang.” It’s a cool meaning, but I’m not really sure how one lives up to such a name. At the recollection of the meaning of my name, I cynically and sarcastically thought, “Oh yeah, no matter how many times people try to throw me away, I just keep on coming back!”

But then the thought came again:

Are you living up to your name?

It got me thinking and I came to a conclusion. If my name is meant to identify me, if my name is something that is supposed to say who I am, then I don’t even know my name. That bothered me. So I prayed:

If this is a question from you God, I need you to tell me what my name is because I don’t think I even know it.

I’ve been thinking about it and waiting for an answer. I tried to think of what the question could mean, but I didn’t want to tell anyone about the question because, to be honest, I thought it sounded kind of crazy.

Yesterday, I saw a postcard in the local bookstore that read, “Your Secret Name: Discovering who God created you to be.” I’m pretty sure my friends thought I had lost my mind with the way I reacted to it.

I have been looking on the “test” portion of the book’s site and have discovered so many of the names that the world has given me or that I have claimed for myself: CUTTER, BURDENED, UNPROTECTED, UNLOVED, ALONE.  My whole story is a long one that traverses many hurts done by a family hiding behind happy plastic church masks and those who, long ago, I attempted to open up to about what really went on in that house. But I have found so many truths already to counter the false names that I have let others give me and that I have claimed for myself.

I am continuing the search for my name and I cannot wait to see what else God is going to do as others begin searching for their names too. I’m already amazed by the stories I’m reading on the book’s site.

Thanks for letting God use you!