Manic Depressive

under Secret Stories, Written on October 5, 2010

A childhood full of everything.  There was not a “want” that did not get granted.  I think mom used money to make up for my father.  His famous line echo’s still in my head. 

Everything is black and white and there is no in between.

Perfect words to live by as an accountant not so perfect from a daughter who sees meaning in everything.

Depression hit me in high school and off to the best Drs. money could bye.  Sucked into a world where medication numbed those “thoughts”.  My body fought hard.  My parents thought, “they’re Doctors”, so they had to have known what they were doing.  Years institutionalized for “reading in between the lines”.  Used as a guinea pig.  This med reacted this way.  Side effects needed more meds. 


With each symptom, with each new prescription a new diagnosis.  At one point 16 mind altering meds at the same time. All in hopes to fix what side effect accompanied the last.  A whole year of this went by.  Finally, An angel (had to be, right?) Dr.Crosby got a hold of my case.  He simply said, “Take her off of the drugs.”  Some time later after being weaned with caution I got to meet him.  He asked, “Is this who you are, well, You’re quite a pistol.”

I’m now 38 and have a wonderful husband who puts up daily with my constant questioning and finding meaning in everything.  I was given two perfectly unique children.  I want so bad to hear God again and to know what He has in store for me.  I’m still unclear as to what my Secret Name is.  I know deep down everything happens for a reason and God has always been right there, but when you’ve been made to believe that your thought process is wrong and only tangible things are reality, breathing this worlds’ air is tough.