Posts Tagged ‘trash’

lost cause

under Secret Stories, Written on March 28, 2011

I have started a new adventure a new journey in my life and yes with the most important person in my life that could ever be in it. Jesus Christ. Our Beloved.

But As I’ve come to realize I am saying goodbye to an old me. Someone who was afraid to step outside that box and try new things. Some one who used to just settle and not think she was good enough or deserved any better then what she had. Someone who once thought she didn’t have a purpose. But by doing so I have also started to grieve over this person. It is as if she was a friend who has passed away. I never thought I would feel this way before.

 It is because of Christ that I am who I am today. HE pulled me out of that dark place, and helped me to see, who I was always meant to be. Who HE created me to be.  HE helped me to see my purpose in HIM.  HE Gave me Joy so insurmountable it is hard to take in at times. SO much Joy I just want to dance and sing and scream HIS name from the top of the roof tops. Because I am in Love with my TRUE Love and I know HE has always been in love with me.

 I have come to realize that when I feel as if HE has walked away from me, It is I who have walked away from HIM.

 I look back at the person I once was before I allowed God to take the reigns in my life, or the Wheel should I say? I allowed HIM to take over. I have allowed HIM to lead me where HE wants me to go. Something I know HE has been waiting for, for a very long  time.

 But I look back on that person and I grieve. I grieve what I’ve always known, I grieve who I once thought I knew, and I grieve the wasted time and the friends I lost because of self-pity.

I grieve for the person I once was who called out for help so many times and couldn’t see the Life Preserver there or the life Boat or Even the Ship being Sent to me by God through others to help me get back up.  I grieve also because the person I have become today mama will never be able to see or get to know.

 To be honest I am proud of who I am today. I’m proud of how far I’ve come but I am more thankful and grateful then proud. You see I shouldn’t be alive today. Many times over I know I should have been put 6 feet Under but every time the Beloved came and rescued me and saved me from that. HE had more for me then that and kept knocking at my door grabbing me, and trying to get my attn to show me what that was.. But I was so blind I couldn’t see it. Finally my eyes have been opened.

I know I am a True Miracle. One of God’s Miracles. I am so extremely thankful and grateful HE never once gave up on me, and that HE put people in my life who Never gave up on me either. I have such a huge Extended family now and not just Biologically and I love everyone of them.

 Finally the Lord helped me, and most importantly HE helped me to stop making excuses.

 I stopped making excuses as to why I couldn’t do things, and instead began to see why I could do it..

I stopped making excuses because of these stupid labels, YES LABELS that’s all they are and all they ever will be, that drs gave me or others gave me. Names that the enemy gave me by using others, but still labels. But I stopped using them as excuses as to why I was the way I was or acted the way I did.

I stopped making excuses as to why I had to be sad or couldn’t move on.

Instead I began to see the positive in things. I began to see the light shining amidst the darkness showing me the way out and I chose to take that path. I chose to take Christ’s hand that was being held out for me. I saw all the possibilities and I saw my dreams coming true. I chose to see Everything I could do, and stopped saying Can’t, for you see there is no such word as that. I began to say I CAN with Christ!! I can’t by myself but I CAN WITH CHRIST.

 I began to finally allow the almost completely diminished Candle  to be used, and as I did this God helped that candle to grow into a torch and now I am never going to allow it to go out.

 LIFE is so WONDERFUL. And Everyday is a new day. Every day I wake up and get another new start on life is a gift given to me by God. Everything looks different now, and even more beautiful.

 I see just how sick others are who want to try and diminish or blow out other people’s candles, But I also see everyone’s hurts and pain. Every Sunday I look around me at church and see so many hurting people. I go out on walks, and I can see so many hurting people.

 I want to help them all as Christ helped me, and placed people in my lives that played a major part in helping me also. Family, friends, and yes even strangers. One of them being the nurse that took care of mama the night she died when I was in the room alone.

 Of all things I see who I am now and I’m excited and joyful and Happy. I see where God wants me to go, and I know it’s so achievable. I wonder why I never grabbed hold of it sooner.

 Yes I’m nervous and a bit scared to start this new Journey. To be spreading these wings for the first time, and starting to fly. Yes I’m nervous and scared to go to college, I’m nervous, and scared to get a job. I’m nervous and scared about what this new life has to offer me. But I am also excited. I’m so excited. Most Importantly I know I’m doing it with Christ walking right beside me, holding my hand, and carrying my burdens for me. All of them.

 I may be scared, but for too long I have let fear hold me back, and now, Now I’m saying Goodbye to Fear, I will No Longer allow it to hold me back. It is time to move Forward in Faith. Christ has promised me a new beginning as HE’s promised everyone else. YES I gave my life fully to Christ in 2004, and now, well now I say LET ME CHANGE, and finally be the REAL ME. Instead of someone just playing a part in this world..

 I don’t want to just Live. I WANT TO LIVE FOR CHRIST, I WANT TO STEP OUTSIDE THAT BOX. Now is the time to do it. There is no better time.. I hear my name being called out as I’m being cheered on by the Master. He’s standing right there beside me, We take the first few steps together, As HE leads me the way I should go, And I will not let go of HIS hand. I will not get lost again. I am going to finish this Race, a race that is no longer a race. I am going to finish it Holding HIS hand. When I fall I know HE’s going to carry me.

 I’m only human and I’m not Perfect, but the best part of all this is, I Don’t have to be. Because Jesus Christ is Perfect. Every time I think about how HE suffered, How HE was beaten, and mocked, How HE was scorned, How HE went through so much and bore my Sins for my Shame, how HE was nailed to a cross, Had Our Father’s face turn away from HIM, And How HE rose again. All for me.. FOR ME, For you, For Everyone, I am overcome with Tears. Sheer Joy but so many tears. I can’t help but to cry.


Now I’m going through the new doors and I will be who God created me to be. I won’t let fear stop me. Christ is walking with me. I don’t have to be afraid. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. For nothing is impossible with God.

 No more looking back at that old me, That old life, And now to look forward and look only at what God has given me today. 🙂

 Yes I will grieve the old me, although I still don’t fully understand why, but I will only grieve her for a little while. Then  I will walk faithfully with the King. In the new life HE has given me.

 It is time to begin this Life, and be done with the old. IT IS TIME TO FLY!!!!!!!!!!!

 Everyday I have a choice to make. I can choose to be downcasted, depressed, living in self-pity, and being unhappy and living in the dark.

 Or I can choose to hand my life over to Christ, giving HIM the wheel and the reigns. I can choose to be Positive and live in the Light, To be an overcomer, To Shine, To be Joyful, And look only at the Good things it has to offer me, and all the blessings I have been given. I can choose to truly live with Christ.

 I think  I will choose the second everyday. I choose to live like today were my last.. I choose to walk with Christ. I hope and pray everyday for the rest of my life that, that will be my choice.

Goodbye Old. Hello New. And thank-you Jesus for giving me this chance that I so do not deserve for the millionth time in my life.

 JESUS CHRIST HAS ALREADY DECLARED THE VICTORY. So why let the enemy win, Something has already been won?



under Written on August 13, 2010

God has been after me, trying to give me my name for so long, but I’ve been too stubborn. Instead I’ve clung to unsatisfying  names that others bestow upon me or that I grasp at on my own. I’ve tried to run from those names, but without my TRUE name to replace them, I always return.

These names are the faults, shortcomings, and failures that others see in me and the failure, inadequacies, and struggles that I try to hide and cover. Complaining, self-loathing, depressed, afraid, angry, mean, failure, trash. All of these, and so many more that I’m not yet brave enough to share here. It’s better to have a horrible identity, than no identity at all. But these names don’t offer healing.

Through a question in the middle of the night, a postcard in a bookstore, a facebook connection, and a gracious gesture from a person that I have never met, but I am honored to know even the least bit now, I am seeing how God has been pursuing me with this for so long. I have a name, my TRUE name.

I am hesitant to say I know it, although I believe I do. It is beautiful, but if I try to look at it from the perspective of what I am capable of doing on my own, it is daunting. Only through God’s gracious gift of His Son and His continuing work and strength in a person so fallen, will I ever truly be able to embody this beautiful name: REDEEMED.

Did you ever look at all of the meanings of the word redeem? To buy or pay off; to buy back; to recover by payment; to exchange for money or goods; to discharge or fulfill (a promise); make amends for, offset; to obtain the release or restoration of, as from captivity, by paying a ransom.

Do you know what the opposite of REDEEMED is?


If any of you know me, truly know me, you know that I have felt abandoned and have been abandoned in various ways. I have felt the weight of that abandonment. For a long time it led me to question whether or not God really cared for me at all. I truly believed that God existed. I believed wholeheartedly that God loved other people. But, somehow, that God simply couldn’t love me, not if He really knew me the way everyone insisted He did.

If He knew my facade, maybe He could love me, but not if He truly knew all of the dirt. Then during my first semester of sophomore year, while in my Exploring the Bible class, God allowed me to hear. I didn’t learn His name for me that day, but I did find my name for Him.

Genesis 16:13- “You are the God who sees me.”

In the desert, alone, running away after being mistreated by her master for bragging up the fact that she was pregnant, God met Hagar. He saw her. He knew what she had done, He knew what Sarai had done, He knew that she was pregnant and not with the child He had promised Abram. But He SAW her. He comforted her and promised that her son would also become a father of a nation.

He saw her. He knew her. He comforted her. EL ROI- the God who sees me.This name impacted me so much that I now wear this reminder permanently in black ink on my wrist.

I have my name for God. I have His name for me. It is a large name to live up to. In fact, there is no way to embody that name on my own. God is the only one capable of getting me there and I know it’s going to be a long and hard journey.

Thank you, to everyone that God has been using in my life, and continues to use in my life, to bring me to the place of knowing my SECRET NAME.

Some of this might be confusing to some of you. I had never thought of such a thing as a secret name before, even though it’s mentioned in the Bible. Not to mention the fact that I’ve been trying to carve out a name for myself for years, not knowing the whole time I was merely seeking something to fill the gap that was meant for true name.

Anyway, this might clear a little bit up and maybe, if you don’t already know God’s name for you, begin the journey of finding it. 🙂