My life is like a yo yo – up and down, up and down. Ups are really good but there are the valleys that we all go through. I am in a valley right now at this seminar – 36 hours earlier I lost my job and a week before that received news from the company physician that I have some “issues” that need to be checked out sooner than later – I have never been sick a day in my life.

In losing my job, my former boss (I think he must have been related to Screwtape) had been trying to make work so miserable that I would quit. What he did not know was that I consider the Lord my boss and He was with me always even in some of those dark moments. He always tried to get me to think I was incompetent, not capable. He would constantly throw a barrage of words with the common theme not capable – it started to stick and after 30 years of being in this profession, I was beginning to doubt myself.

Then boom, I am without a job. Then in this seminar “Your Secret Name” – call me crazy but it was a God moment; no other way to explain it. As we went through the exercises, I did not hear my name right away. Later that day I did hear my name – it is capable and not incapable as the other side wanted me to believe. Thanks for showing me my name.

I spent my whole life looking for something, not knowing what it was. That elusive ‘thing’ or  ‘state of being’ always seemed just out of my reach. Every time I thought I had been close to capturing it, it eluded me once more. Every attempt to ‘do the right thing’ left me empty. Empty until now.

I became a Christian over 25 years ago and I know that was the most important decision I will ever make. I knew I had been saved. I had a new found faith and the Bible suddenly became so alive and real. God has moved in my life, bringing healing, deliverance and hope. But I was still searching for that one thing that eluded me…even though I could not put a name to it.

Then a couple of weeks back I became aware of the book ‘Your Secret Name’. I was drawn to it. I can’t remember how I first came to know about it. I just knew I had to read it. At the same time I was about to purchase another book, ‘Called to Conquer’, which spoke of finding ones’ calling. As I had to order ‘Your Secret Name’, I decided to read ‘Called to Conquer’ first.

Upon reading ‘Called to Conquer’, I was left with more questions than answers. Trust me when I say, that was a good thing! Soon after finishing that book, my copy of ‘Your Secret Name’ arrived and I got straight into it, devouring it page by page, hardly being able to put it down. It seemed to carry on the theme of the previous book, which I thought was quite amazing. I came to the end of reading ‘Your Secret Name’ felling a little distraught. I still hadn’t found the answer I was looking for, though I knew the book had nudged me in the right direction.

As I neared the end of the book the website was mentioned and I thought to myself, “It ain’t over yet!” I proceeded to navigate the website, completing the test with little satisfaction. Then I decided to have a look at the stories. That’s when it all began. I read of one woman’s journey to finding her secret name that had me glued to the page till I had finished reading.

The title she had chosen was one I identified with, having been there myself. As I ventured into the depths of her story I also identified with the names she had known. As my eyes began to well up with tears, I realised God was in this big time. My God had not forgotten me after all. And though I didn’t find identity in the same secret name, I knew that I was closer than ever to finding my own.

As I pondered my recent experience, I sensed God placing these words on my heart, “From rejection to acceptance”. I knew these words were either the title of a book or something to do with it’s theme, so I began some research. I found the name of the book and set about purchasing it.

While in the bookstore, I became quite concerned – to the state of feeling let down, because I could not find the book. After some time the shop keeper came over asking if they could help me find something. I responded with a resounding “Yes!” and they proceeded to show me a shelf where all the books by the author I was seeking were arranged.

As soon as I set eyes on the shelf, the book I sought stood right before me. I picked it up and staring at the cover read these words:

“To the praise of the glory of His grace, by which He made us accepted in the beloved”. (Ephesians 1:6 NKJV Emphasis added).

The word ACCEPTED hit me right between the eyes. THAT was my secret name!  I knew that I was accepted by God, but wondered why this seemed to be so significant. I read the book cover to cover expecting God to speak to me.

Not until the very end of the book did God speak volumes. There I found a prayer of commitment. This spoke not only of God’s acceptance, but of accepting myself the way He made me. It was at this point that I realised I had believed all the lies – the names I had been given: REJECTED, OUTCAST, UGLY, FAILURE, to name a few. I had accepted God and believed that He had accepted me, but I had yet to accept myself.

That was the missing piece in the puzzle. No wonder I had no peace. Everything seemed to converge at this point. My past and all I’ve been through now made sense. Having chosen to accept myself as God does, I can now move on into the promises and future He has for me.

As He has done for me, I pray He will do for you. So please, don’t ever give up – God will never give up on you!

God has been after me, trying to give me my name for so long, but I’ve been too stubborn. Instead I’ve clung to unsatisfying  names that others bestow upon me or that I grasp at on my own. I’ve tried to run from those names, but without my TRUE name to replace them, I always return.

These names are the faults, shortcomings, and failures that others see in me and the failure, inadequacies, and struggles that I try to hide and cover. Complaining, self-loathing, depressed, afraid, angry, mean, failure, trash. All of these, and so many more that I’m not yet brave enough to share here. It’s better to have a horrible identity, than no identity at all. But these names don’t offer healing.

Through a question in the middle of the night, a postcard in a bookstore, a facebook connection, and a gracious gesture from a person that I have never met, but I am honored to know even the least bit now, I am seeing how God has been pursuing me with this for so long. I have a name, my TRUE name.

I am hesitant to say I know it, although I believe I do. It is beautiful, but if I try to look at it from the perspective of what I am capable of doing on my own, it is daunting. Only through God’s gracious gift of His Son and His continuing work and strength in a person so fallen, will I ever truly be able to embody this beautiful name: REDEEMED.

Did you ever look at all of the meanings of the word redeem? To buy or pay off; to buy back; to recover by payment; to exchange for money or goods; to discharge or fulfill (a promise); make amends for, offset; to obtain the release or restoration of, as from captivity, by paying a ransom.

Do you know what the opposite of REDEEMED is?

ABANDONED.

If any of you know me, truly know me, you know that I have felt abandoned and have been abandoned in various ways. I have felt the weight of that abandonment. For a long time it led me to question whether or not God really cared for me at all. I truly believed that God existed. I believed wholeheartedly that God loved other people. But, somehow, that God simply couldn’t love me, not if He really knew me the way everyone insisted He did.

If He knew my facade, maybe He could love me, but not if He truly knew all of the dirt. Then during my first semester of sophomore year, while in my Exploring the Bible class, God allowed me to hear. I didn’t learn His name for me that day, but I did find my name for Him.

Genesis 16:13- “You are the God who sees me.”

In the desert, alone, running away after being mistreated by her master for bragging up the fact that she was pregnant, God met Hagar. He saw her. He knew what she had done, He knew what Sarai had done, He knew that she was pregnant and not with the child He had promised Abram. But He SAW her. He comforted her and promised that her son would also become a father of a nation.

He saw her. He knew her. He comforted her. EL ROI- the God who sees me.This name impacted me so much that I now wear this reminder permanently in black ink on my wrist.

I have my name for God. I have His name for me. It is a large name to live up to. In fact, there is no way to embody that name on my own. God is the only one capable of getting me there and I know it’s going to be a long and hard journey.

Thank you, to everyone that God has been using in my life, and continues to use in my life, to bring me to the place of knowing my SECRET NAME.

Some of this might be confusing to some of you. I had never thought of such a thing as a secret name before, even though it’s mentioned in the Bible. Not to mention the fact that I’ve been trying to carve out a name for myself for years, not knowing the whole time I was merely seeking something to fill the gap that was meant for true name.

Anyway, this might clear a little bit up and maybe, if you don’t already know God’s name for you, begin the journey of finding it. 🙂 www.yoursecretname.com