Posts Tagged ‘pain’


under Secret Stories, Written on March 7, 2012

Thanks for such a wonderful conference yesterday. I wanted to tell you what happened overnight.

In the middle of the night, I awakened and saw this image of me with a large black garbage bag. I was holding onto it with both hands and it was swung over my shoulder and it forced me to walk in an uncomfortable way because it was so heavy. It was resting on my lower back. What I did NOT tell you at the conference was that for some reason, my lower back was hurting…I had not done anything specific in the last few days to cause it, nor have I ever had an injury in that area. But since about Thursday, it had been hurting.

God revealed that I was carrying all of these false names, and it was causing me to feel like I had the weight of the world on my shoulders. But these were not mine to carry. I strongly felt like I was supposed to spend this afternoon and evening going through all of my given names one by one (I wrote down about 50), and repenting of them, renouncing and rebuking, and replacing.  I wrote each name on a post-it note, put them in a pile next to me, and picked them one at a time and put it on like a name tag, like we did at the conference. I tried to remember the first time that name was assigned, and get in touch with the feelings associated with it. I then prayed for Jesus to come into the memory and heal it. Then, I took the name tag off and put it on the cross.

I did a few at a time and then took a break…partly because of the time they take and partly because of the emotional intensity.God is doing a deep healing work and I wanted to give it the time and space I needed to. It’s not as though these names were given to me a week ago…they’ve been here decades in many cases.

I finished it last night, and then took all of the names off the cross and lit a fire. One at a time, I looked at the names again as I threw them into the fireplace. I said aloud, “This is no longer my name.” God gave me my Secret Name, which is “Mine.” For the last few years I have been drawn to Isaiah 43, and I now understand why. “Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name…you are MINE.”

My lower back pain is completely gone, and I as I threw the last name into the fire I saw an image of chains falling off my body. I now am beginning to walk in my new name. It is taking some getting used to…sort of like breaking in a new pair of shoes. The enemy certainly is trying hard to convince me that I am not free, and that all of these old given names define me. But they don’t. I belong to God. I am His.


under Secret Stories, Written on June 14, 2011

Something happened today that I don’t know if I’ll be able to type out or not, but I will try. The kids are running around, screaming, but I need to attempt to get this down. I was prompted to finish a free kindle book I’d downloaded some time ago (last year maybe?). I tried and tried to get through it, and though it was super interesting, i just couldn’t. Frequent interruptions, you name it – no matter how hard I tried I couldn’t get past 50%.

I picked back up yesterday and finished today. It was about finding your secret name. The one God has given everyone. I really wasn’t sure I had one…but I kept reading. About 75% in, the word, “love” was whispered to me. I was just amazed. Could that be my secret name? At first I doubted. Finally, I accepted and went with what was whispered to me. Maybe it was. I let it sink in. That is what God has been working on with me, so it made sense…but I just thought it would be an actual name.

I was so happy with my name never the less! A name picked out by God! After hearing for years and years about secret names, I finally had one. I sat in shock for quite some time, just feeling God’s love. I read the rest of the book and found out about the responsibility of having to walk in your new name. This was huge, considering God had been working on my heart for so long … trying to take my heart of stone and make it a heart of flesh and then to be given the responsibility of having to actually walk the walk…to love. Oh, it was all good in theory. Now though, it was time to ask for God’s love to work through me.

What was once impossible was now being asked of me. Honestly though, I still doubted. Did I really hear right? Was that my name? Love? could that be it? I even took out my bible…opened it and turned to nothing that made sense. Opened my pink, “real” bible, and turned to “do not test the Lord your God” (in Luke, I believe). I knew then to stop doubting, stop asking for confirmation and just believe. Just believe in His love.

I finished my time with Him, as nap time was over, feeling immensely loved and held.

A little bit later, I was washing dishes, looking out the window and a completely random name ( I guess???? wasn’t sure what it was???) came to mind. Phillina. I didn’t know what it was or meant. Not even how to spell it. Phillina? Fillina? I just knew it meant something…or so it felt like. I went to the computer and googled it…the spelling i typed in automatically was Phillina. It came back as a very, very rare name…but it was listed as Greek, and get this, the meaning is, “lover of mankind” or “loving”, depending on the website.

I nearly fell over – except i was sitting. I knew for sure, that was my name. Phillina. I started crying. It’s so beautiful…and I never saw it coming. I sat there, aware that I was in the presence of Jesus, but unable to do much more than smile through my tears. I couldn’t even find the words to pray. i can’t wait to wear my name, like it says in the bible. I guess my question was answered…and how.


under Secret Stories, Written on June 8, 2011

It has been about 4 or 5 months since reading Your Secret Name and I did not have a name……….until Monday (memorial day) morning.


I really thought I wouldn’t get one and it really didn’t matter because I know that I love him and he loves me and that is all that matters. The best part is that when you get your name…… you know it. I wanted to share with you the revelation I had.   

I got up and decided not to wait for my friends to get back from bike riding. I took my Bible and my ipod to the beach and I was pretty much alone,  at least compared to the crowds that were there on Sat and Sun. I laid back basking in the sun and cool breeze.   I was so totally at peace.  Beautiful songs playing in my ear and scripture. I laid back to just take it all in.

The presence of the Lord filled me to overflowing and from under my sunglasses tears escaped my eyes. One of the songs was so so upbeat and I thought  “I haven’t danced for so long… and I love to dance.”    All of a sudden, in my meditation,  the Lord Jesus walked over and said  “Pauline,  you are my daughter…come, lets dance together”    And we danced!!!!!!    It was a supernatural experience,  but I danced with my beloved.    We ended up just standing gazing at the ocean and he was loving on me and I on him.     

I am  DAUGHTER!!!!!!!  

I am a changed person!!!!! I so needed that love and exchange with him and he knew exactly what I needed even though I didn’t. I cannot explain the depth of my love for my Saviour.  Hold me up in Prayer. There is more to this story. I put my house up for sale. He is moving me somewhere. Praise the Lord.
PS.   I even picked up my guitar and started playing,  which I haven’t done for years and years from when I used to lead worship.