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Recently, my wife picked up a copy of your book Your Secret Name. I was moved by your candor and bravery to use your emotional journey as a tool for other to address and overcome the baggage in their lives that blocks their relationship with God. Your book helped me make sense of an emotional journey that I have been consciously on for several months, but suppressing for over 25 years.
As a freshman in high school, my parents divorced. As my father was leaving our home, he looked at me and said:
You need to be the man around here.
Wow, what a burden to put on a 14-year-old.
My father stayed in the Columbus area and complied with court ordered support and visitation, but emotionally, he was not there. In fact, for almost three years before he left, he was emotionally absent, as he was having an affair with a client, who later became his second wife. Suddenly, the three of us now played second fiddle to a new family.
Due to his absence, I took on the role of caretaker for my brother and sister, as well as helping my mother pick up the pieces. I was in a role that I was not emotionally or maturity wise ready for or capable of. And for that, I became emotionally withdrawn in order to protect myself from the pain, which continues to haunt me with my wife and children.
After all these years, my suppressed feelings regarding my father came roaring out, as I realized that I was not being a loving and instructive father to my 11-year-old son (as well as my 15 year old daughter). My prayer was to be a better father. God’s response was to first deal with own father issues.
I realized that the wounds from my father were impeding my relationship with God. I vowed to never be like my father, and deep down I always looked upon God with the same caution used when interacting with my father. He hurt me and let me down, and I was not going to allow God to do the same. But through prayer, the wall that I built to keep God away, crumbled.
God lead me to the book The Way of the Wild Heart by John Eldredge, which spoke about the development of masculinity in a man that God intended and how important of a role I have in my son’s masculine development. I shared my journey with to two close friends who shared issues they struggle with their fathers. I felt like God was now ministering to me, as I allowed the door to my heart to be open.
In The Way of the Wild Heart, a key concept of boyhood development is to know and understand that the boy is the Beloved Son of his father, in the same way we are God’s Beloved Son. I am not sure if I ever felt like my father’s Beloved Son. I spent many sleepless nights praying about this concept and how could I make sure that my son felt beloved.
After reading your book (in 1 ½ days), the term Beloved Son began to ring profoundly in my head, thinking that it was my secret name. I was skeptical and fearful that I was making a rash conclusion based on my time reading Eldredge’s book. So, I put it on the back burner. But God had a plan.
About three weeks ago, I was a counselor at our church’s winter mini-camp. The speaker asked the counselors to prepare poster board testimonies. On one side, we wrote who we were without Christ; on the other side, who we were with Christ. I had many different titles for each side and was debating on which one to use. But when I picked up the marker to make my poster, on the first side I wrote “fatherless.” On the other side, I wrote “Beloved Son.” I was taken back by this and did not understand why I wrote those words. But I handed it in.
At our Saturday evening session, we were asked to come on stage and silently show our posters while music played. As I walked on to the stage, I could feel my emotions exploding. I struggled to contain the tears. I revealed both sides of my poster and walked off the stage, crying profusely, but with a feeling a victory. Unbeknownst to me, one of the close friends I mentioned earlier was there to watch his sons play in the worship band. Putting his arm around my shoulder, he walked with me to the back of the room. Clearly a God moment.
I knew that the victory on stage was me finally turning my anger and resentment toward my father over to God, forever. Simultaneously, God spoke to me — you are my Beloved Son, who I love, care for, and initiate a relationship with you. My turmoil was gone and the glory of God shined on me. And even better, my son was sitting in the crowd.
I finally sat back down with my son, and he asked me if everything is ok and did I need to talk. We spoke briefly, but I hugged him and told him I am now ready to be the father that you need. I have never felt him squeeze me so hard after hearing those words. We spoke in great detail the next day, as he did not understand what I had written on that poster.
There are no words to explain the peace that I have in God today. No more do I keep him close in order to prevent him from hurting me. Rather, I come to him like an 11-year-old boy, full of excitement and admiration, knowing that he is my Father.
I want to thank you for sharing your story and writing a book that God can use as a tool to break through the barriers that we create in our heart.
Several weeks have now past since the conference and just wanted to let you know how my life has changed. I had wrote to you after the conference about my battle. It started the day after. I could not believe all the things that had been loading me down: physical, sexual and mental abuse from my childhood serviced along with the continual abuse in my first marriage, abandonment of my parents through divorce and alcohol abuse and the death of my son.
Through the participation on my part of the conference I let it all out. I truly didn’t know all this “junk in my trunk” was having such a stronghold on me. I was angry with God and asked him question after question,while crying and sometimes raising my voice at him.
When I went to church on the Sunday after the conference I did not want to be there period. I did not want to praise him let along sing in joy. I stuffed my hands in my pockets so as not to lift my hands in praise. I actually left and walked out and got a cup of coffee. As pastor gave the sermon I had a question for almost everything he was talking to us about:
These are just a few of the questions I wrote down during the sermon:
As the day progressed on Sunday God took me on a journey of healing. Healing all those wounds and pain. Healing!!!! I was on 3 different anti-depressents and multiple pain relief meds for my RA, OA, and fibromyalgia.
No more pain! No more pills! Amen brother! Amen! The names I had wrote down was in a round about way, the long way to lead me to my identidy….VICTIM.
Funny I Never seen myself as a VICTIM.
My Secret Name is El-Nathan-N’Qamah…Defended from Isaiah 25:4
You have been a refuge for the poor, a refuge for the needy in his distress, a shelter from the storm and a shade from the heat. For the breath of the ruthless is like a storm driving against a wall
I am very grateful that God placed this conference on your heart. I am so FREE! I had to shout it out loud outside with my hands lifted God Loves Me!!
God Loves Me!!
How freeing.
I am sharing this conference with many and I am sitting down with my Pastor next Wednesday to share this conference and how it has forever changed my life and understanding of who I am in Christ.
God Bless You Brother
I have started a new adventure a new journey in my life and yes with the most important person in my life that could ever be in it. Jesus Christ. Our Beloved.
But As I’ve come to realize I am saying goodbye to an old me. Someone who was afraid to step outside that box and try new things. Some one who used to just settle and not think she was good enough or deserved any better then what she had. Someone who once thought she didn’t have a purpose. But by doing so I have also started to grieve over this person. It is as if she was a friend who has passed away. I never thought I would feel this way before.
It is because of Christ that I am who I am today. HE pulled me out of that dark place, and helped me to see, who I was always meant to be. Who HE created me to be. HE helped me to see my purpose in HIM. HE Gave me Joy so insurmountable it is hard to take in at times. SO much Joy I just want to dance and sing and scream HIS name from the top of the roof tops. Because I am in Love with my TRUE Love and I know HE has always been in love with me.
I have come to realize that when I feel as if HE has walked away from me, It is I who have walked away from HIM.
I look back at the person I once was before I allowed God to take the reigns in my life, or the Wheel should I say? I allowed HIM to take over. I have allowed HIM to lead me where HE wants me to go. Something I know HE has been waiting for, for a very long time.
But I look back on that person and I grieve. I grieve what I’ve always known, I grieve who I once thought I knew, and I grieve the wasted time and the friends I lost because of self-pity.
I grieve for the person I once was who called out for help so many times and couldn’t see the Life Preserver there or the life Boat or Even the Ship being Sent to me by God through others to help me get back up. I grieve also because the person I have become today mama will never be able to see or get to know.
To be honest I am proud of who I am today. I’m proud of how far I’ve come but I am more thankful and grateful then proud. You see I shouldn’t be alive today. Many times over I know I should have been put 6 feet Under but every time the Beloved came and rescued me and saved me from that. HE had more for me then that and kept knocking at my door grabbing me, and trying to get my attn to show me what that was.. But I was so blind I couldn’t see it. Finally my eyes have been opened.
I know I am a True Miracle. One of God’s Miracles. I am so extremely thankful and grateful HE never once gave up on me, and that HE put people in my life who Never gave up on me either. I have such a huge Extended family now and not just Biologically and I love everyone of them.
Finally the Lord helped me, and most importantly HE helped me to stop making excuses.
I stopped making excuses as to why I couldn’t do things, and instead began to see why I could do it..
I stopped making excuses because of these stupid labels, YES LABELS that’s all they are and all they ever will be, that drs gave me or others gave me. Names that the enemy gave me by using others, but still labels. But I stopped using them as excuses as to why I was the way I was or acted the way I did.
I stopped making excuses as to why I had to be sad or couldn’t move on.
Instead I began to see the positive in things. I began to see the light shining amidst the darkness showing me the way out and I chose to take that path. I chose to take Christ’s hand that was being held out for me. I saw all the possibilities and I saw my dreams coming true. I chose to see Everything I could do, and stopped saying Can’t, for you see there is no such word as that. I began to say I CAN with Christ!! I can’t by myself but I CAN WITH CHRIST.
I began to finally allow the almost completely diminished Candle to be used, and as I did this God helped that candle to grow into a torch and now I am never going to allow it to go out.
LIFE is so WONDERFUL. And Everyday is a new day. Every day I wake up and get another new start on life is a gift given to me by God. Everything looks different now, and even more beautiful.
I see just how sick others are who want to try and diminish or blow out other people’s candles, But I also see everyone’s hurts and pain. Every Sunday I look around me at church and see so many hurting people. I go out on walks, and I can see so many hurting people.
I want to help them all as Christ helped me, and placed people in my lives that played a major part in helping me also. Family, friends, and yes even strangers. One of them being the nurse that took care of mama the night she died when I was in the room alone.
Of all things I see who I am now and I’m excited and joyful and Happy. I see where God wants me to go, and I know it’s so achievable. I wonder why I never grabbed hold of it sooner.
Yes I’m nervous and a bit scared to start this new Journey. To be spreading these wings for the first time, and starting to fly. Yes I’m nervous and scared to go to college, I’m nervous, and scared to get a job. I’m nervous and scared about what this new life has to offer me. But I am also excited. I’m so excited. Most Importantly I know I’m doing it with Christ walking right beside me, holding my hand, and carrying my burdens for me. All of them.
I may be scared, but for too long I have let fear hold me back, and now, Now I’m saying Goodbye to Fear, I will No Longer allow it to hold me back. It is time to move Forward in Faith. Christ has promised me a new beginning as HE’s promised everyone else. YES I gave my life fully to Christ in 2004, and now, well now I say LET ME CHANGE, and finally be the REAL ME. Instead of someone just playing a part in this world..
I don’t want to just Live. I WANT TO LIVE FOR CHRIST, I WANT TO STEP OUTSIDE THAT BOX. Now is the time to do it. There is no better time.. I hear my name being called out as I’m being cheered on by the Master. He’s standing right there beside me, We take the first few steps together, As HE leads me the way I should go, And I will not let go of HIS hand. I will not get lost again. I am going to finish this Race, a race that is no longer a race. I am going to finish it Holding HIS hand. When I fall I know HE’s going to carry me.
I’m only human and I’m not Perfect, but the best part of all this is, I Don’t have to be. Because Jesus Christ is Perfect. Every time I think about how HE suffered, How HE was beaten, and mocked, How HE was scorned, How HE went through so much and bore my Sins for my Shame, how HE was nailed to a cross, Had Our Father’s face turn away from HIM, And How HE rose again. All for me.. FOR ME, For you, For Everyone, I am overcome with Tears. Sheer Joy but so many tears. I can’t help but to cry.
I didn’t deserve that. And I so don’t deserve this new chance at life, but Christ has given this to me. I WILL NOT TAKE IT FOR GRANTED, I REFUSE TO WALK AWAY FROM THIS CHANCE. I AM GRABBING HOLD OF THIS OPPORTUNITY AND WALKING AWAY FROM THAT CLOSED DOOR, THAT OLD ME. I AM BURYING HER.
Now I’m going through the new doors and I will be who God created me to be. I won’t let fear stop me. Christ is walking with me. I don’t have to be afraid. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. For nothing is impossible with God.
No more looking back at that old me, That old life, And now to look forward and look only at what God has given me today. 🙂
Yes I will grieve the old me, although I still don’t fully understand why, but I will only grieve her for a little while. Then I will walk faithfully with the King. In the new life HE has given me.
It is time to begin this Life, and be done with the old. IT IS TIME TO FLY!!!!!!!!!!!
Everyday I have a choice to make. I can choose to be downcasted, depressed, living in self-pity, and being unhappy and living in the dark.
Or I can choose to hand my life over to Christ, giving HIM the wheel and the reigns. I can choose to be Positive and live in the Light, To be an overcomer, To Shine, To be Joyful, And look only at the Good things it has to offer me, and all the blessings I have been given. I can choose to truly live with Christ.
I think I will choose the second everyday. I choose to live like today were my last.. I choose to walk with Christ. I hope and pray everyday for the rest of my life that, that will be my choice.
Goodbye Old. Hello New. And thank-you Jesus for giving me this chance that I so do not deserve for the millionth time in my life.
JESUS CHRIST HAS ALREADY DECLARED THE VICTORY. So why let the enemy win, Something has already been won?
PRAISE GOD FOR JESUS CHRIST HAS ALREADY DECLARED THIS VICTORY WON.
My Given Names sheet was covered with all kinds of names – some old and never gone to recent hurts.
I took the test prior to coming and thought my given name was Childless – but at your WONDERFUL session March 5th, I heard God tell me that although I am childless – that is a symptom of another Given Name. When I explored the other names on my sheet – one name kept coming up – resting on Unloved.
When we explored what God’s name was for us – I heard a voice – still and small say: Cherished!
Did I really hear that? I believe so!
When we explored the names for God – none of the names given to us seemed to fit! Upon returning home, I did a search on a Hebrew dictionary website and found El-OLAM – Everlasting God!
I have yet to read your book – but the information at your seminar really helped me break through some bonds holding for almost my entire life!
Thank you!!
My life is like a yo yo – up and down, up and down. Ups are really good but there are the valleys that we all go through. I am in a valley right now at this seminar – 36 hours earlier I lost my job and a week before that received news from the company physician that I have some “issues” that need to be checked out sooner than later – I have never been sick a day in my life.
In losing my job, my former boss (I think he must have been related to Screwtape) had been trying to make work so miserable that I would quit. What he did not know was that I consider the Lord my boss and He was with me always even in some of those dark moments. He always tried to get me to think I was incompetent, not capable. He would constantly throw a barrage of words with the common theme not capable – it started to stick and after 30 years of being in this profession, I was beginning to doubt myself.
Then boom, I am without a job. Then in this seminar “Your Secret Name” – call me crazy but it was a God moment; no other way to explain it. As we went through the exercises, I did not hear my name right away. Later that day I did hear my name – it is capable and not incapable as the other side wanted me to believe. Thanks for showing me my name.
I am unsure on whether you are still doing the secret fast for every day of the year. But if you are I would surely like to join you in having a day to fast this year of 2011.
I just finished reading Your Secret name that a friend lent me to read, in my struggle in finding that name God has for me. I have yet to find it but I know and have faith that the Lord will tell me that name when HE knows I am ready to hear it. I feel I am ready to hear it right now and know what it is, but I also know Christ knows what is best for me better then I do myself.
I have been given many Given Names and a lot of them haven’t been very nice. It is hard turning off that old tape in my head and turning on the new but God is so merciful and Mighty and has been helping me a great deal. I would like to share my testimony if you would like me to do so. I however have an issue shortening it the way I should and it ends up being pretty long.
God is so wonderful and Awesome and I know HE is working in my life. I wouldn’t be where I am today without HIM and I praise HIM in all things that I do Even in the Storms of Life.
Thank-you for writing the book Your Secret name. I truly enjoyed it immensely. And it has been of tremendous help
God bless and I have said a prayer for you today.
I have been studying your secret name with my woman’s group at church. At the start of our time together our leader asked us to think “Where does god meet you?” This really got the ball moving for me. In prayer at home one night I asked myself this question and what follows are the thoughts that came to my mind.
The Lord has always reached me thru music. I am not a very talented musician or vocalist but there is something about musical composition that moves me. All the different instruments come together, each with their unique part. Blended together they make something, to me, which is truly magical. But as a musician I know that not all the instruments get to play the melody.
Even within specific instrument sections you separate the most talented players by given them 1st chair. Some parts in a musical score are down right boring and repetitious. When played by themselves it doesn’t even sound like a song.
My life sometimes feels this way. I am the 4th chair trumpet, playing with all her might the most uninteresting part.
Although I love being a stay at home mom, my days consist of potty training and laundry. It is repetitious and feels unimportant. Yet I know my part might change. God could call me to play the melody someday. There may even be hope for a solo.
So when my life is over and I get to look back on what I have done with the Lord, I know it will be a divinely orchestrated masterpiece. Not only will my own life be a sweet song, but my little part is going to blend and harmonize with the other little parts of people’s life and together we will create a masterpiece for God.
With these thoughts in my mind I heard, rather distinctly in my ear:
You are my symphony
I felt a quickening in my spirit and I knew this was my new name. I have felt such enormous peace and freedom since then. I know who I truly am now and I am far more precious than I ever gave myself credit for.
I just wanted to share a bit of the transformation that I have been experiencing over the course of these last few months. As part of working through my journey my pastor recommended that I read your book. It was really helpful for me as it helped me to wrestle with and make sense of my identity in Christ.
My pastor helped me work through a series of “exercises” as I read through your book which allowed me to take your ideas and make them real for me. I labelled myself with names both good and bad, grouped those names together, worked through the process of rooting out those names and finally with replacing the names that I put on myself with the Secret Name that God has for me.
Many of the names that I initially gave to myself were connected to my family. I grew up in a home with an alcoholic mother, a father who was oriented around maintaining control and preserving pride and a sister who became hardened by the chaos that was our household.
I kept my head above water by trying to fix everyone’s problems and focusing all of my energy on never allowing anyone outside of my family know our secret. To the world we looked pretty average, but on the inside our family was in turmoil.
About four years ago my Mom left and since then I have not had any type of a real relationship with her. I have wanted to get in touch with her, but truthfully I have been afraid. Afraid that she would be in the same state that she was in when I last saw her. For reasons that I can only attribute to self-preservation, I have not been able to reach out to her.
Truthfully, I have allowed her addiction to define me over these past few years. I am not trusting of people, I am not open about this part of my life and I am fearful of becoming close to people because I think that they might hurt me in the same way that she did. I have allowed her problem cast a shadow across my otherwise ordinary life, it is the skeleton in my closet, the secret that I feel like I need to hide from the world.
While I was not actively contacting my Mom, she was also not contacting me and for me that is what hurt the most. And so I told myself lies: If my own mother didn’t want a relationship with me, then why would anyone else. If my own mother doesn’t love me enough to make a change, then I must not be worth it. If my own mother doesn’t love me, then I must not be lovable.
I felt: broken and above all worthless.
Despite all of this I had I grown up in the church. It’s funny because I never felt like I had a testimony. I always heard people talk about their testimony but I never felt like I “had that”.
I believe that in my past God has most definitely been at work in my life, present, faithful, loving, but in my own suffering and my own quest for self-identity I couldn’t see Him. God however, was patient with me, He continued to bless me, specifically by putting the right people along my path to ensure that I could be reminded that He was never far. After a period of trying to make life go on my own, facing challenges, being unfulfilled, scared, broken and alone.
I came to my church for about 8 months before I talked to anyone. I came and listened and worshiped and was quiet before God. I heard the message about community, to support to be supported, to encourage to be encouraged, and saw that happening but at that time I was on the fringe.
I remember having conversation with a member of the pastoral staff here about how this church has a big set of front doors. This is a church that is different, people want to come and see what is happening here. The discussion progressed to acknowledge that for young adults especially this is a church that often has a big set of back doors too a space where people can sometimes can pass through without being noticed.
Truthfully, I was on my way to the back door… after 8 months of being here I was still feeling disconnected, feeling that God wasn’t hearing my prayers, feeling maybe like it was time to check out.
I love that my church is a huge church and here is why. You have to be intentional about connecting, deliberate about buying in, purposeful about becoming engaged. It doesn’t just happen. Everyone will remain nameless and faceless if that is what you choose. Community happens not as an accident but as a choice.
So then, literally one day, I offered up a simple prayer to God in my prayer journal “God please motivate me to take chances”. Not the most articulate of prayers, not the most deeply spiritual words, no one will be rushing to embroider that on a pillow anytime soon, but that prayer represented a deep yearning within me, a last ditch attempt for the courage necessary to lurch forward.
And here’s the thing: God provided. Every time, every opportunity, every risk that I took in the name of getting connected God was present, sometimes giving me the words to say in conversation, or the words to write on a volunteer form or the plain and simple courage to just show up.
And God didn’t just give me courage to take chances because when I spoke, people answered back, and my words became part of a conversation, relationships formed, they shared, I shared and now, I get to serve along side of them in the Body of Christ.
In my world everything changed.
My faith, my relationship with Jesus, I was changed. Because suddenly I wasn’t in this alone. My relationship with Jesus was able to be manifested in my relationship with others.
It would seem that God had another plan for me on my way to the back door.
These past few months have been amazing for me with Jesus at the center of my life I have reexamined everything, my identity, my job, my salvation through grace, my experiences with suffering, my understanding and relationship with joy, and then a deep and profound calling to respond to learn to live compassionately.
I do not have to conform any longer to the patterns of this world, I am renewed. Jesus died for me – and now I get to live differently.
I love this story and for me the best part is that it it is still happening. And am I part of God’s story. We are God’s stories, these stories are still being written, the plots thickening, God is revealing Himself in our lives and above all He is showing us His love and faithfulness.
I have actually has been transformed from the inside. I believe that the best way to live is the way of Jesus, submitting myself to Jesus allowing Him to live in me and through me because the old has passed away and the new has come.
And now I know that I am worthy, whole and that I am truly and deeply loved by God.
