Every once in a while you read a book, and you just know that your life will never be the same. It feels like a personal message, meant just for you. And it becomes more than a book: it’s an experience. I’d like to share my experience with you.

Each of us, whether consciously or unconsciously, is seeking our purpose in life – our identity. We want to know who we are and why our life matters in the grand scheme of things. As we go through life, we are given labels or Given Names that describe how others see us; and then we often spend the rest of our lives trying to live up to or to live down those names. But God has a Secret Name for each of us, a name that describes how He, our Creator, see us. Discovering our Secret Name is a journey that leads us to a deeper relationship with God and the beginning of truly understanding His plan for us.

As author Kary Oberbrunner compared his journey to finding his Secret Name with the story of Jacob in the book of Genesis, I could not help but see similarities in my own life and realize I’d spent too long “playing the Name Game.” I learned very early in my life that I could get recognition by being an Achiever. The more awards I won, the more top grades I received in school, the more I improved my musical talents, the more people seemed to see me as a valuable person.

This worked well for me until age 16 when I suddenly became “The Sick Girl,” and I could no longer keep up with everyone’s expectations of my being “Most Likely to Succeed.” In my senior year of high school and through my freshman year of college I struggled just to get out of bed in the morning and stay awake through classes, but I did my best to put on a front that I had it all together as usual. But by the end of my freshman year I had begun to have major health problems and could no longer stay in school.

That’s when I first noticed that I was becoming Invisible. I worked hard at improving my health and would have periods of remission where I would force myself to perform at work or at church so that I could have that feeling of being special and important. But inevitably my health would fail me again, and I would begin to feel Isolated and Abandoned by my friends and family. There were times I was out of commission for up to 6 months at a time, but I rarely had a phone call, email, or visit from any of those people I’d been trying so hard to impress.

I felt Worthless and Forgotten, like I was a “Non-person.” And as my health issues began to affect my weight, I no longer even recognized myself in the mirror. Pretty soon I was just a Fat, Sick, Depressed Person who meant very little to myself or anyone else. In the midst of a two-year downward spiral in my health and a series of events that left me feeling completely Invalidated by everyone in my life, I decided that my life was no longer worth living. And I attempted Suicide.

Despite all the difficult circumstances over the past 17 years, I always felt God’s presence and would see His hand at work in my life. I heard Him whisper loving assurances to me and would often picture Him holding me and singing over me, as in Zephaniah 3:17, “The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love,he will rejoice over you with singing.”

When Kary asked us at the end of the book to picture ourselves alone before God and to imagine what name He would call us, I immediately heard God say:

I see you. I hear you. I remember you. You are precious to me.

I immediately was drawn back to Zephaniah 3:17 and discovered the name Zephaniah means “treasured by God.” That’s when He confirmed to me that the words I heard Him say all described me as His Treasure. When God looks at me, he values me as a precious treasure, of so great worth that He would never abandon, forget, or overlook me. And I don’t have to earn a list of achievements to be treasured in His eyes.

Wow!  What a powerful book.  I want to thank you for sharing your journey, thoughts & what God has taught you.  I am blown away at the hope and encouragement I’ve received!

One of the most prevelant names I have taken on in my life is “ABANDONED“.  My Mom left our family when I was 8 years old and the pain of that and what followed shapes who I am a great deal.  My journey of healing began 13 years ago and still continues. 

At 40, after reading your book, I realize how I continue to hold onto that name at times.  As I read Isaiah 49:15, I cried: 

Though she may forget, I will not forget you.

El Roi.  The God who sees me.

There is much to process.  I am currently battling through some anxieties and the timing of my reading this is God’s.  I can’t thank you enough.  Your vulnerability throughout the book will touch many lives.  We have been doing this book as a study here in Dublin.  It’s been a blessing to many of the women.

May God continue to bless you through your ministry!  Thank-you for blessing me.

Hi, I am writing to let you know that I have just read “your secret name” and think it is one of [if not the best] Christian spiritual books I have ever read.

Easy to understand, yet at the same time very deep. It really has changed my life. I can so relate to the concept, and to some of your earthly names [including cutter]

I have always been fascinated about how in the bible God gave some of his followers new names, I always wondered if God thought of all of us by a different name.

I would recommend your book to all Christian people, it really does help free us from names [or as some would call them labels] amongst my names are fat, cutter, depressive, chocoholic, depressive…having read your book I now realize none of these are helpful and none can be how God thinks of me.

I am looking forward to learning my secret name and have sent an email to take part in the fasting too….I thank  God that you wrote this book, I believe all Churches should read this to their congregations, it has the power of the spirit in its words and truly can and will change lives.

Your sister in Christ.

If you read one book this fall, please do yourself a favor and make it Your Secret Name.

Kary Oberbrunner has written what is surely his Magnum Opus. This book is an eye-opening look at the story of Jacob. Interspersed with his own journey, Kary leads you on a Biblical discovery of your Secret Name.

We were all given names at birth. From there, as we journey through life, we are given other names as well. Some of my given names were KLUTZ, REJECTED and FEARFUL. It took many a year before I discovered my Secret Name. This is why I find this book to be so powerful. Kary doesn’t shy away from the pain of his own journey.

I cannot accurately describe how blessed you will be by reading this book but I want to encourage you to check it out for yourself. You can also go over the books website and take the Secret Name Test.

Watch this video and then go check out Your Secret Name today.

There were many times I found myself standing on the side of the road, closing my eyes as the downdraft of passing trucks rippled through my hair, thinking that just a few steps into that busy street would make everything better.

It wasn’t some singular event that brought me to the darkest point of my life, but an accumulation of sadness that left me feeling buried alive. I was already in a coffin, why not make it official; this wasn’t living. My mother and stepfather couldn’t see the sadness that haunted me, but my grandmother, a strong Christian woman whom I saw maybe once a month somehow knew.

I never spoke about it while it was happening, but in hindsight I know the signs were there if anyone had bothered to look: the lack of friends, the fear of men, the fact that I cried myself to sleep every night. It wasn’t until 8th grade that I called my mom from my father’s house in North Carolina and begged her to come get me. I don’t remember why she didn’t, but I do remember having to suffer through the rest of the week before my father drove my brother and I home.

For every other holiday and 5 weeks every summer my father came to collect my brother and I from our humble Ohio home and take us away to his three story mansion in another state. He was wealthy. He only wanted my brother, but I came with the package. I was lucky he remembered my name; he couldn’t remember my birthday or how old I was, and he had no qualms about reminding how I was a burden. He had demanded that my mother abort me, but I thank God to this day that she said no to him, if only just that once.

When I was two, he left my mom for another woman. My father had a lot of women, and a lot of girls. For years I stayed silent while he molested my cousin and I, while he groped other women who were not his wife, and while he tried to brainwash us all into believing some theology taught by him. We weren’t allowed to leave the house without him, we weren’t allowed to watch tv or listen to music, we weren’t allowed to go to church or celebrate Holidays, we weren’t allowed to wear certain clothes to bed.

He held gatherings in his house and would invite certain people over to listen to him teach. His theology was based on the bible, but only the parts about sex, rape, and punishment. His choice of punishment was a beating from a wire hanger twisted into a rod…and some reference to sparing the rod and spoiling the child.

He made me feel dead inside for so long, so that all I could do was cry and never feel relieved. When I was seventeen, I couldn’t take it anymore. Knowing that he still had my little sister and I couldn’t save her, that he hadn’t been punished for what he’d done to me or my cousin, and that I would always be afraid and never be able to love a man made me feel hopeless. I was tired of crying and feeling empty.

I was raised a “Christian”, but after my father’s insane cult-like teachings, I was afraid to trust in God. There’s an amount of subservience, fear and humility required in Christianity, and I didn’t want to love someone else who was going to make me feel small and worthless without him. I didn’t want to feel insignificant or afraid. I just wanted to feel whole, and I didn’t want to hurt anymore.

I decided not to step in front of that truck. It was in my living room, far from the road or coffins that I found peace. I gave up and I broke down, and I cried like I had never cried before. I asked God to save me and fill me with his love, and I was shocked at how immediately I felt fulfilled and at peace. Whenever I find myself questioning or doubting God, I remember that day when I decided I would rather live than die and He was there to help me do it.

Every day I pray for my father. I pray that God will save him, because in doing so, so many other innocent lives will be saved. I know there is nothing God can’t do, and even though my father seems like a monster, he’s not beyond help. I don’t know if I can ever truly forgive him, but God can, and I try to every day.

With God I know, I am not Abandoned, I am Remembered. I am not Broken, I am Whole. I am not Suicidal and Depressed, there is Hope. And I am not Fearful, because God is always with me.

A childhood full of everything.  There was not a “want” that did not get granted.  I think mom used money to make up for my father.  His famous line echo’s still in my head. 

Everything is black and white and there is no in between.

Perfect words to live by as an accountant not so perfect from a daughter who sees meaning in everything.

Depression hit me in high school and off to the best Drs. money could bye.  Sucked into a world where medication numbed those “thoughts”.  My body fought hard.  My parents thought, “they’re Doctors”, so they had to have known what they were doing.  Years institutionalized for “reading in between the lines”.  Used as a guinea pig.  This med reacted this way.  Side effects needed more meds. 

MANIC DEPRESSIVE, SCHIZZO AFFECTIVE, GRANDE DILLUSIONS

With each symptom, with each new prescription a new diagnosis.  At one point 16 mind altering meds at the same time. All in hopes to fix what side effect accompanied the last.  A whole year of this went by.  Finally, An angel (had to be, right?) Dr.Crosby got a hold of my case.  He simply said, “Take her off of the drugs.”  Some time later after being weaned with caution I got to meet him.  He asked, “Is this who you are, well, You’re quite a pistol.”

I’m now 38 and have a wonderful husband who puts up daily with my constant questioning and finding meaning in everything.  I was given two perfectly unique children.  I want so bad to hear God again and to know what He has in store for me.  I’m still unclear as to what my Secret Name is.  I know deep down everything happens for a reason and God has always been right there, but when you’ve been made to believe that your thought process is wrong and only tangible things are reality, breathing this worlds’ air is tough.

I had a rough life growing up with an abusive, alcoholic mother. I was verbally and physically beaten down on many occasions. We didn’t have much money growing up and I often wore clothes for several years or wore hand-me-downs. As you can imagine this led to some real teasing in school. There was other abuses that occurred as well in life that led to me feeling defeated and beaten down.

I didn’t try too hard in life as judgements were already being made before the results came, so why bother. I accepted the mantle of defeat and lived life that way growing up.

After graduating HS I joined the Army where I actually thrived. In the Army there were set standards and requirements for success and promotion. This was not the subjective world I had come from. Everything was going great in the Army until I got married to a NY girl while in Hawaii. She had wanted to get out of the Army but was unable too.

Shortly after marrying she wanted to start a family and shortly after getting pregnant she left the service. It wasn’t long after her exit from the Army that she made her exit from the marriage. This was a bitter and painful pill for me to swallow. I loved my son with all that was within me and it absolutely tore me up to have him taken from me like that. She proceeded to do everything she could to drive a wedge between he and I and keep me from seeing him.

I fought court battle after court battle just to maintain visitation of some form. This started in 1994 and has continued to this very day with him now being 18 and her still doing her best to alienate me from him. She has mostly succeeded of late.

Then there is my current situation. Our manager was essentially forced to step down due to a situation that two co-workers exploited. The manager did not do anything wrong, but was in a tough situation with his brother working in the same department under him. There is so much more that you could make a soap opera from it but I will not go into all the details.

The position was posted internally and I applied along with the two co-workers who were responsible for forcing the manager’s resignation. These same two are the polar opposite of what you would expect from a professional manager. The cursing, slander, backbiting, racial slurs, and anti-team building mentality that comes from these two co-workers is astounding. 

 To make matters worse, both of these applicants had been attacking each other secretly and supporting each other openly. They tried to get me to take sides in this and I refused. It gotso bad that I decided I needed to say something and called them both out on it. This had the end result of them aligning together against me and accusing me of trying ot pit them against each other. They then went on a smear campaign against me and even went after some of my supporters.

The environment got very ugly. Many times I was tempted to play those same games to counter their tactics but each time was convicted otherwise. I have to say it was a real struggle though because I saw them advancing and me not based on all of this and I was so tempted to do anything to prevent that as I knew it would be detrimental to the office. In the end, my conscious and faith prevailed and I resisted the urge to do unto them as they had done unto me.

My pastor had given a sermon that ended with him making an altar call for those who felt convicted to be more of a leader for God in the work place, home, etc. I went forward with many others and accepted this challenge. The sermon the following week was on enduring trials in our life and trusting God to deliver us through them.

During this same time my small group began a book called, “Your Secret Name.” I began the book on Tuesday of last week. On Wednesday, the director came in and informed us of who made the final cut. I finished the book on Thursday.

I spoke with the director soon after the announcement to ask what is was about these two that he felt set them apart. It was their title, nothing else. I had 9 years of military experience, had graduated tops in all of my leadership classes, and had led and motivated soldiers for six years. This was recognized and he stated that I had a very strong application, was universally seen in the division as a healer, peace maker, and one who unites.

He went on to say that I had demonstrated an effort to build bridges with other departments, had strong support on the panel, and in the division BUT, they decided to cut the pool of applicants based on a title that required no leadership ability at all.

This was very eye opening for me. It wasn’t anything I did or didn’t do, it was a title. All the talk the director had said about the importance of leadership in the decision making as nothing but that, talk. In the end, he resorted to the same old methods that held us back for years. Once again I was defeated. Once again I had failed. Or was I?

As I was in the 15th chapter where Kary Oberbrunner listed his given names that he had overcome my mind drifted away to my own set of names I had acquired over the years. They all led me to that feeling of defeat and failure that weighed me down and prevented me from achieving all that could for God, my family, myself, and my employer.

I had done very well at work, but I hadn’t lived for God like I should have. I didn’t do a lot of the things I felt I should because of the ridicule of one of the finalists. But then it happened as I read and mused. Victor. Where had that thought, no – that statement come from? It certainly wasn’t how I was feeling just then. It wasn’t a word that had entered my mind. It wasn’t in the book where I was reading. But there it was again. A voice saying, “Enough! Stop living in defeat, you are Victorious!” It was clear and I knew then and there that God had just given me my new name.

It made all the difference in the world. I looked back at my life and what I had achieved despite all that I had gone through and all that people had done and said to me. I looked at who I was in Christ. I looked at what God had done for me and through me. Why on earth had I walked around all these years feeling defeated. I had risen above the environment I grew up in. I had risen above the tactics used against me in life and at work. I had become a good person despite having every excuse I wanted at my disposal to turn out different.

During all of the backbiting and double-dealing at work I had not compromised my principles or faith. I had withstood the onslaught and resisted the urges to act in the same manner. I was Victorious. I am Victorious. My spirit lifted immediately. My burden was removed. I felt light and free. I went to speak with one of my supporters on the hiring panel who had asked how I was. I reported to her how I had such peace and joy and that I couldn’t explain it in human terms, that it was something that God had pointed out to me.

I had not played the games and politics that the others had. I had not sacrificed my morals or faith on the altar of success or advancement. I had survived, Victorious. Jehovah-Nissi. The Lord is my Banner. The Lord is my Conqueror.

Robert Ostman’s painting titled: “Identity” inspired by Your Secret Name.

His description:

“He who has an ear, let him hear what the Spirit says to the churches.   To the one who conquers I will give some of the hidden manna, and I will give him a white stone, with a new name written on the stone that no one knows except the one who receives it.” -Revelation 2:17

I chose the topic of “Identity” because it has been a concept that has been perusing my thoughts for years.  One of the facets of our identities resides in our names.  We have our given names, nicknames, the names others call us, the names others think about us (or the ones we fear they do), and the names we think of ourselves.  That’s a lot of names to identify us; plenty of names to fear.  What we focus on becomes reality, whether it was true in the past or not.   Where is your focus?  In what or whom do you place your IDENTITY? 

Let us focus on the One who will give us a new name and some of the hidden manna.  Let your future become your reality!  Let your old identity die in its grave, covered by the blood of Christ.  Embrace your shining new identity that is pure, righteous, and white because of Who God sees in you.  For more information about your identity and your secret name that God will give you, check out the book,“Your Secret Name”, by Kary Oberbrunner, available at amazon.com 

This painting is a conceptual representation of our past, present, and future identities.  The bottom of the painting is a textured black that represents our past.   It contains names that we have been or are still known by.  Our past is sin, darkness, and death. 

The center of the painting is Jesus blood and sacrifice.  His blood covers our sin and He becomes our new Identity.  Our new Identity is found in Christ. 

The white in the painting represents the purity and righteousness of our new identity found in Christ.  The white stone in the center has seven blanks on it which represents the perfect number of God and your new “secret” name which God will give you. 

I hope this painting encourages you to leave the past where it belongs in the grave, to recognize your new position in Christ, and to live in the present without fear as you look forward to the future with hope and the promise of a new name!

I started cutting after my senior year of high school. I was tired of feeling alone. I didn’t let anyone in. I put on a mask of happiness, love, Christianity, and joy. You could have asked anyone at my church, my friends from school and even my parents and they would have told you that I was the “perfect Christian girl.” I mean I didn’t smoke, drink, or do drugs. I went on missions trips, went to youth group, and went to church camp every summer.

Deep inside I knew I was missing something; I just couldn’t put my finger on it.

I was yearning for love, but I was looking in the wrong places. I looked to the people of this world to find my joy and happiness and acceptance, and when I didn’t find it…

I struggled with EDNOS which is an eating disorder that isn’t classified as anorexia or bulimia, though it contains parts of both. I starved and if I ate, it didn’t stay down for long. I considered myself ugly and fat and unlovable. I had friends, but none that were really close that I really trusted. Eventually I just started blaming myself for anything and everything. That would be when I started to cut. If I cut a word into myself, it was ugly. I hated my appearance.

It’s really hard to explain exactly why I cut because honestly I don’t have to words to say how I was feeling. I cut really deep a couple times and realized I should probably stop, so for a while I did. Then I relapsed.

I had a guy friend that I shared a lot with. He helped me feel needed, but he took advantage of the situation and raped me. I felt completely hopeless and alone. I was so angry at myself for being there and not stopping him.

I had a friend that called me the night I relapsed with cutting just to make sure I was alright. I hadn’t told him anything had happened. The Holy Spirit used him to lead me to the Lord.

My Father who loves me unconditionally! He has helped me so so so much to see just how blessed I am and that I am free!

I still feel the need to cut at times, and to be honest, I have relapsed since then. What I really need is to fully embrace His forgiveness; I just haven’t yet. But I know that God’s got me. He will protect me and he cares about me! I’m His child and He will never leave me!

The first time I was called a slut I was 12. 

I am not sure why they called me that. I wasn’t flirtatious and I still looked like a little girl.  At 14 my sister called me a whore because some boy like me instead of her.  But I stayed pure. 

At 20 I married my husband and I were both virgins. But those names would not go away. I always wondered if that was what I really was. Then one day a few years later, something horrible happened. 

I blamed myself. 

I felt what everyone was saying about me was true.  After all if I wasn’t a slut and a whore, it would never have happened to me.  I never told anyone for 7 years. When I did finally tell, my husband was wonderful. However, our pastor didn’t believe me. Even though the man who victimized me had victimized others.  He told me I was to blame.

They ostracized our family. 

I lost all of my friends.

Even my sister said, “She is just my sister, but you are my pastor.”

The rejection was horrific. We finally moved away from the small town.  Yet, the Lord was faithful. I began working for a ministry that helped to heal me.  Yet, my self-esteem sank.  I could not trust people. I kept men and women at arms length. I felt betrayed that God would allow such a horrible thing to happen to me. I kept him at arms length.

But He refused to let me go. He sent wonderful people into my life.  He slowly drew me back to Him.

Then tonight I discovered, I was never a slut and never a whore. These were lies. That is not who I am. Christ knows who I am. He gave me the name Beloved. The test gave me the name Washed. 

I am His Beloved and He has Washed me from from the filth I thought was me. He has known all along that was never me. 

He knew.  He loved me, even when I didn’t believe He loved me. I am no longer a victim. I am no longer in prison. He knows my name. He knows my heart. He knows who and what I am…clean and loved.